Sunday, February 28, 2010

just give me a reason to love you

yes that is an odd little tapestry sewn on dante's chest. no it doesn't make any sense nor should it. this game is obviously more about attempting to shock people than anything else and it shows in the first poorly animated cut scene. if you've read and enjoyed the divine comedy but haven't heard about this game yet, you might want to stop reading because this will probably just make you angry.

e.a. is a company that has become so good at pissing off the general public through a series of price hikes, hardware failures, out right scorn and general "fuck you's" that it only makes sense they would back a game like this. on paper it sounds like a great idea. a man suffering at a cross roads in his life goes to hell to find his beloved. along the way he learns all about what suffering truly means and talks to the most infamous characters in history to learn where they went wrong. wow. ok, now let's put some explosions in there, rip beatrice's shirt off the first time we see her, have a sex scene on the altar of a church where dante's holding a silver cross for some fucked up reason and then dante kills death and steals his scythe made of bones. what the hell?

few games have made me angry the way this game has and dante really made me angry for all the same reasons other shitty games have. the play control is horrid. they might as well have not even added a jump feature it works so rarely. that stupid silver cross fires larger white crosses at your enemies but you can't control where they go really or how many shoot out making the thing pretty useless. you swing your weapon in circles 90% of the time which is good because things come at you from all directions but you really don't have to pay attention to them because no matter what direction you're facing, you'll hit them. fighting gets boring really really quickly. in fact the first fight of the game had me thinking this was a waste of time.

the game plays like the god of war series which is good news to some but really, god of war was the first "next gen" console game that made me want to fight the developers. i can't recall if god of war was the first game to do this but it sure was used more then it needed to be. the idea of the "mini game" during action sequences is this, you're fighting someone, they show a moment of weakness and now a giant "B" button hovers over their head for a second. shit, you've missed your chance and now you have to fight the bastard all over again till that stupid button shows up and now it's an "X" button which makes you hesitate and hit the wrong button the first time and you've missed your...see where this is going? dante plays the same way.

the defense for this assinine style of play is this, by placing a mini game in portions of the game it makes the player feel like they have more control over the action and makes for a more immersive experience. i call foul on that logic because it's like watching a movie with a fake sun flair on the lens or blood hitting the "screen" and sliding down. it takes you out of the game or movie or show instantly because it reminds you that you're just watching something. it's like having a giant neon sign at the end of each page in a book saying, "get ready to turn the page" "it's coming up." "don't miss all the action on the next page."

there really isn't much else to say about the thing. i was bored before it started and disgusted to see that e.a. was selling walk through videos on it's xbox marketplace page for a couple bucks a piece so you could watch their game developers play the game and use their strategies to win.

if you're thinking of picking this up do yourself a favour and just drive nails into your hands and then play god of war again. it's the same game only more painful to play.

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